Zombie Glazier

Technically I’m supposed to be in Sweden, the new suburb in Melbourne, but honestly it was kind of cramping my style. I’ve worked up a reputation as the baddest villain in the multiverse, so it’s kind of weird to just sit around building an office for the Australian streaming show, Next Top Office. That’s why I’ve decided to skip this first challenge by conjuring a zombie glazier to do it for me. How hard could it be to create and install a stair balustrade made entirely out of glass?

So I’m sitting at my favourite Italian Sun Dollars cafe and drinking a chai latte while typing up this blog post that we’re required to do before the first challenge ends. Maybe later I’ll go check up on my phylactery on top of Big Ben. Now that I think about it, I should probably recruit a few more Elders of the Internet to watch over it. Somehow they got the idea that they had to do things at complete random, instead of doing their actual jobs which is to stop me from ever dying.

After my chores are done, I suppose I should head back and check on my zombie. If I need to search for glass repair services Melbourne wide, all because he couldn’t construct a simple balustrade without breaking the glass, then so be it. I’ll get a real glazier in with a wave of my staff and a conjure tradie spell. Simple. Provided I don’t forget about daylight savings again. That would kind of suck. I just need to remember that Melbourne is currently using AEDT, not AEST. I’ve made that mistake before and almost missed my audition for the show.

I hope I remembered to give my zombie glazier that handbook of the trades and the crown of intelligence. Without those he’ll just be flailing about on camera, smashing glass everywhere. Might even start an outbreak among the filming crew. Oh, I’m sure it will be fine. I’m the smartest being in the universe. I wouldn’t forget something like that.


Mirrors and Glass

In the realm in which I am from, glass is a developing discipline. Oh, the rich and powerful do preen themselves in expensive mirrored surfaces, and for a nominal fee you can also summon a dimension shifting mage to open a decent sized portal to the mirror plane, allowing you to gaze upon an exact reflection of oneself with only a 20% chance that it will gain sentience, climb through the portal, try to secretly kill you in your sleep and take over your life with no one the wiser.

And windows? Again, rare. We are mostly a realm of wooden shutters, so the fact that glass replacement companies in Melbourne are so very numerous was a surprise to me at first. I was practicing a sacred, divine, holy and exclusive spell passed down through generations that allows you to punch someone in the face at a distance, but it went awry and I punched straight through my bedroom window. At first I was fearful, thinking that glass was akin to perhaps the enchanted stained glass in the local Sanctified Cathedral. But no, apparently there are just glaziers everywhere, I guess. Glass replacement isn’t exactly what you would call inexpensive, but panes of glass are a common item to be replaced and it is not ‘abnormal’. Especially not with the very normal story I concocted using my knowledge of film and television: I was practicing so that I could one day win a Superbowl, and I accidentally swung my bat in the wrong direction, causing the window to be shattered by the football flying off the tee and hitting the glass.

Yes. Perfect. Glaziers might not be royalty here, but people are generally happy to see them. Maybe I need to get myself into this game. Install some stair balustrades, replace a pane, learn the game…and take it all back to my home realm and make mountains of gold! My banishment is only 400 years, plenty of time to learn glazier skills.


Sending a Few Panes Into the Universe

glass replacementI guess I really did grow up to live the dream. That’s what life is all about, right? Regardless, it’s pretty cool.

Today is our very first day in the lab with funding. This could be a job of many years, but I think I’m allowed to be a little bit excited here at the very beginning. I’ve always loved sci-fi, anything with spaceships, but I always got annoyed whenever I read articles written by buzzkills destroying all the sci-fi tropes. ‘Time travel isn’t possible’, ‘faster-than-light is a pipe dream’, ‘space isn’t actually that colourful’, all written to suck the enjoyment out of life.

The glass thing got me the worst. ‘No spaceships could ever have any glass viewing windows, because blah, blah…’

That was the last straw. How do YOU know what commercial glazing will be like in the future? How incredibly arrogant can you get, saying right now that something isn’t possible just because it hasn’t been discovered. Glazier techniques are getting better all the time. And hey, we made reinforced glass for planes, and I bet loads of people said THAT wasn’t possible.

I finally started applying for a grant to attempt to create glass that would withstand space travel. Finally got a bunch of commercial glazier companies here in Melbourne and around the world interested in my work, and then I decided to crowd fund. Should’ve know there were more sci-fi people like me who wanted to make the dream a reality.

So here we are, fully-funded and ready to work with a bunch of residential and commercial glaziers to make the strongest glass known to man, strong enough to withstand FTL travel speeds and more. We need all the expertise we can get, from people who do glass repair all the way to actual rocket scientists, but our cause is getting worldwide attention. I reckon we’ve got a good chance. And pretty soon, glass replacement companies will be working on spaceships, for your viewing pleasure while traversing the cosmos.


Glaziers Win the Day

glazier MelbourneAnd all of Australia rejoiced. I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see it myself; I’d have said it was staged. But there was something about the way The Great Australian Trade-Off was shot that just made the whole thing look so genuine, so when Ryan took the crown, there was hardly a voice to be found saying that the judges let the fan favourite win. He won that competition fair and square.

Naturally, it was a mammoth challenge for the final week. They had to take a half-completed skyscraper and make it ready for three companies to move in: Ryan had the bottom ten floors, Kelsey had the next ten, and Garrett finished things off. Obviously, this was big stuff if you happened to be a glazier available in Melbourne, because it was one of those big glass skyscrapers and they needed so much glass. Half the challenge was won on the basis of which glaziers they picked, how they treated their workers and what sort of glass they chose.

Naturally, as everyone expected, Kelsey went for the budget option, because she thought the glass on the outside was just a covering, whilst all the important stuff was on the inside. Garrett went in the opposite direction, hiring a fleet of glaziers and even springing for some glass balustrading for the stairs in between floors. He likes his themes, Garrett, and he chose glass for this one.

That just left Ryan, who did what he does best: he talked to people, did his research, really listened to the advice of his elders and went with what the glaziers thought would be best.

The result, after the businesses moved in and spent three weeks evaluating the work: Kelsey’s people were boiling because she went for budget glass, and her floors were deemed unsafe, while Garrett blew his entire budget on elaborate glass sculptures.

Ryan’s just roared to victory, since he was able to get good quality stuff for less, and he even hired some glass balustrading people to put in a centrepiece on the ground floor, instead of going all out. Cost-effective, efficient, smart and actually just a really nice guy. Clearly, Australia’s Greatest Tradesperson.