Tools for the Train Tracks

trainI like trains. And what I really DON’T like? How they’ve all been replaced with modern electric ones, because in my opinion it defeats the entire purpose of a train. They might as well be big metal buses that move on a track, because to call those things trains is a mockery of the system. They’re supposed to be mighty locomotives, with men shoveling coal and steam billowing from the funnel as it lets out a mighty toot. Instead…we get the rail equivalent of smart phones.

I used to dream of being a train serviceman, with my aluminium toolbox in the olden style, pulling out gigantic spanners and fixing what went wrong with the tracks or train cars. I’ve seen them in documentaries, specifically the documentary Men on the Tracks: A History of Train Engineers. The way they used to carry around their toolboxes was fascinating: because the tools inside were so large, they had to sling the boxes across their backs and sometimes even carry them around in a kind of wagon-toolbox. It was engrossing, watching them travel on foot to where a particular piece of track might have been damaged and seeing how they fixed the problem.

Honestly, I’m still unsure about the general concept of modern toolboxes. Did you know that you can get toolbox central locking now I saw it in a massively popular and riveting documentary entitled Tool Box Central Locking: Is the Future Moving Too Quickly? I mean, what are we expecting next? A teleporter? While these inventions were made for good, I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re one step away from inventing a grey goo that consumes all life on the planet, or a massive ray gun that backfires and obliterates an entire city. I’d rather stick with my old timey aluminium accessories and a massive wrench, even though it doesn’t work on any existing train lines. Because it’s electric.



Our ‘Pioneering’ Tech Wedding

the internetSo, my fiancé is completely nuts! This might have been nice to know before I got engaged to her, but…well, the more you know? Actually, no, that’s a really bad thing in this instance. I mean, I knew she was into technology, but not this much. And when she gets an idea in her head it’s like her eyes mist over red and she just can’t get it out her head, or see how weird it is.

She wants a cyber-wedding. Perhaps even the first ever. No guests, no parents, no other family, just us being married via computer screen while all our guests log into the video stream. And then something about an app…she does an app design course around Melbourne, and she’s really keen on everything being apps. I’m not kidding on that one; Lucinda actually has this vendetta against all phones that aren’t Smartphones, because she thinks that apps are the way of the future. In fact, one of the first things she asked me when we met is if I had a Smartphone, and what apps I had on it. Like she was going to judge my personality by what I kept on there. That probably should’ve been some kind of warning sign, but I just wasn’t picking up on the signals. Lucinda does have some great qualities, but this time I think she’s gone overboard. I don’t mind her designing an app that turns the bouquet toss into a game, really. I think it’s really amazing how she’s able to rack her brain and come up with this stuff from scratch. I admire her for that, but…I need to talk to her about these wedding plans. I mean, she doesn’t expect us to actually not see ANY of our family except on a screen? And the suit she got for me is interesting, but I’m not sure I actually want to wear it in front of my grandmother. And my best man, Nate. I promised him he could do the job when we were six. Now he can’t be in the same room?

My web design course has helped me with a lot of stuff, but making this website for our wedding has just felt wrong., like I’m using my skills for bad stuff. I’m putting my foot down. Maybe.

-Dave (save me)