So, they can do pretty good hair transplants now. I saw this video on Visage-Tome of some guys having it done: you just apply it with some glue, and there you go. Gone today, hair tomorrow. They’re pretty expensive and only last for a few months, but still…I’m gonna say it’s worth it, if you can afford the treatment. For one thing, the hair doesn’t grow; it’s not your hair, after all. So you’re already saving money on hairdresser trips, and the hair looks pretty sturdy so you might even save money on product as well. That stuff really adds up, you know.

Anyway, something to note for the future, because some people in my family have lost their hair, and I’m always on the lookout for…thinning, in certain areas. Just hoping that one skips a generation. And I’ll say it: I’m pretty fond of my hair. I’ll go along to a hair salon open for appointments in Melbourne somewhere and gladly shell out a few bucks every six weeks if it means keeping it.

There are some guys who look really good without hair, sure. Vin Diesel. Bruce Willis. Various people with the right face shape, and also the ability to trim a goatee properly. Me? I’m not one of those people. If I went bald, I’d end up looking like some skinny loser. All the goodness has gone to the hair area, so I can’t really grow proper facial hair to make up for the shiny top. Nah…I can’t pull that off. I even hate it when I tell the hairdresser the wrong number and it gets sliced too short; feels like a part of me has been sliced away. Not too far from the truth, I guess.

Alright, so there’s a little bit of vanity there, but it’s okay to be proud of what you have. I don’t have much, but I do have thick, healthy hair. All the people say so in the hair salons. South Melbourne has a hair industry that knows me; I’m the thick, luscious hair guy. Without that, what am I? Nothing. All I have left is my ability to pop and lock, and that’s a lot more situational than a good hairstyle.

–Darren

Usually, I’d only get my hair done at ONE place: Guru Lacrima’s Emporium of Well-Being and Crystal Rejuvenation. Not many people know of it, but Guru Lacrima actually offers a comprehensive hair-care service that includes a cut, shaping and bathing in essential, home-made oils. The fusion of trance music and traditional Nepalese ox cries is just a lovely added bonus! I always walk out of the salon feeling energised and centred. 

But now, I need to look further afield for my hair treatments. I went to get myself a booking (you can’t call, because Guru Lacrima has sworn off electronic communication), and I found the whole place closed. Apparently Guru Lacrima has been admitted to hospital with a severe case of okra poisoning. I didn’t even know that was a thing. As a result I’ve decided to cut okra out of my diet altogether. 

So while THAT’S happening…does anybody know about any good hair salons near South Melbourne? Surely there must be a few who fit my criteria. Not that I’m super-uptight about my hair or anything, I just think that when you’re having something removed from yourself like that, the vibe needs to be right. Cannot stand the thought of a hair salon being like a factory, where people walk in and have their own, personal, private head-hair removed one-by-one…dispassionately. Just don’t really like the thought of it. It is perhaps the one place in the world where the music fades from my mind, replaced with anxiety about the locks vanishing from my head.

See, at Guru Lacrima’s the removal of hair was like a symphony. Snip, snip, chop, chop, bathe, bathe, massage, massage, UEEEEEEEEERGH (that was the ox cry). If I’m going to a hair salon in Melbourne, I just think that it needs to have a certain vibe of relaxation. Some music, friendly folk, perhaps some scattered conversation about crystals or the benefits of Malaysian ceremonial chanting being fused with Latin soft rock. I can even bring the essential oils and hair spices myself…

-Deirdre

If I had to name my number one fear, it would probably be…werewolves. I know how that sounds but stick with me here. Werewolves are the were-

Number two is spiders combined with clowns to create spider-clowns, who can do whatever a spider-clown does. And then…I guess it’d be that recurring dream where I have to give a keynote speech to a group of entomologists on beetle migration cycles, and then I get up there and my hair is a mess, and all the entomologists laugh at me.

There’s a backstory to that one as well! So I sometimes make hair appointments in the Melbourne CBD, even though places tend to be a little bit more pricey right in the city center. Between work and uni, I barely have any time, so this is just how it has to be. Hairdressing on the go! But one time I went to have my hair done and it was a really windy day, so I was all like ‘sure, whatever, I ain’t afraid of no wind’, and I chose a hairstyle with my hair kind of…’up’. Like, not a beehive, but getting there. This was the night of the gala, so I needed to look a bit special. Then I walked out in the wind and BAM. Hair all over the place, scattering to the winds, in tattered pieces just like my life choices. So I had to go to the gala looking like a glam rock star, which wasn’t as good as it sounds.

And so, that’s why all the entomologists are laughing at my terrible hair. Because it happened once in real life. Nowadays when I make a hair salon booking in Melbourne, I check the weather. Then I check for werewolves and spider-clowns, and then nothing to fear.

-Daphne