Friends with Benefits

stretch limo hummer

Man, my friends are idiots. It hasn’t been easy, fooling them all these years, but a few things have made it a more simple matter. For one thing, I’m both a terrific actor and a genius inventor, so keeping an eye on them both when I’m there and not there has been easy. Not that they ever suspected a thing in the end, because they’re the actual idiots.

You’d be surprised what a hummer limo hire can do. Melbourne isn’t exactly teeming with them, so people with feeble minds like theirs just can’t resist being drawn in by how shiny they are. It was simple, really…I’m just the idiot son of an incredibly rich mogul. What kind of mogul? It doesn’t matter, because these people don’t even know what the word means. I’m vulnerable, maybe I go out and get some experience in the real world with a TAFE course of some kind. I don’t exactly let it slip that I’m rich, but a couple of trips to uni in a hummer limo mostly do the trick, especially if I make it look like I really want to talk about it. Then I mention something about how every year my Dad throws me a big expensive party, it’s a huge drag and how I’m always zipping around in a hummer limo that seems way too big. A few stupid jokes about filling the space later and they’re in there with me. After that, it’s a simple procedure.

Funny, but I think I would’ve grown to like them if they weren’t so incredibly focused on money all the time. It blinds people…just like they think they blinded me into thinking they were my friends. Who ditches a friend at a party six years running? How stupid do they think I am? Not as stupid as them, because they haven’t noticed that I’ve steadily been stealing their organs. Chrysler limo hire, and some Melbourne folks. All I needed for my plan in the end.

-’Mark’

The Girlfriend and her Limo Family

stretch-hummerIt’s going to be an exciting weekend, surely, definitely. I mean, I think so…the circumstances are a bit strange. It all began when my girlfriend said she was having thoughts about following her brother to become a limousine driver. Naturally, being a supportive boyfriend, I said she could do anything she put her mind to, which in this case really is true. Abigail is actually a really good driver, and she’s taken defensive courses and everything. If anyone can represent Melbourne’s limousine services by navigating around tight corners and wearing a cool hat, she can.

Her brother has been doing the job for years, but apparently he announced recently that he was retiring because his eyesight’s been degrading and he doesn’t think it’s safe for him to drive any more. We were both invited to his career switching party, where he gave an impassioned speech about someone from the family carrying the torch of limo driving while he gets a new job as an underwater welder. Abgail jumped at the chance, everyone clapped and I just thought it was a nice, weird moment from this nice, weird family.

Thing is, I haven’t see her for a week. She said she’s been busy driving limos to pass the test, and the family have been really defensive about it. All I got out of her cousin was that limo driving has been in the family for generations and there always has to be someone involved in it in some way. Apparently their great grandfather drove limos during the war, which doesn’t seem like it has anything to do with the war but…great? Anyway, now the whole family and me are going down on Saturday to watch Abigail complete her limo driving test in the compound. I’ve been told to wear a suit and bring a bottle of sparkling wine. This is…really serious. Like, this is Melbourne’s limo hire premium family, and failure will besmirch the family name. So as confident as I am in Abigail, now I’m just really stressed out for her in case she fails. Which she won’t. Her family are nuts, though…

-Jake